Give Up. Give In. Or give back. by Marvin Wade

This week's dispatch comes from the magisterial Marvin Wade, who co-wrote our stunning set of dispatches about the Kenosha shootings with Carolina Soto. Here Marvin addresses the choices he's had to make since returning last year, both within himself and in his relationships with others.

Every once in a while I'll have dreams of myself in prison, depicting the day in which I was released. The dream always seems so real. The joy. The fear. The anticipation. The prisoners. The C.O.s (correctional officers). The prison. Everything seems so real. But unfortunately the dreams always end up with me having problems getting out. From my release papers typed with a different name on it, or the papers simply missing. To Jealous prisoners starting a fight to get my release date revoked. To Angry C.O.s not allowing me to leave. Or allowing me to leave but I end up lost in a maze behind the prison walls searching for my way out. In some of these dreams I'll cry out, "but you told me I was free!"

Ohhhhh what a blessing it is to awake to reality. And simply sigh because it was only a dream. But for many Men and Women still behind the wall, the fight to remain awake and dream is even harder than what you think. 

           Give in. Give up. Or Give back.

Those are the three choices given to the many Men and Women when they first enter the prison system. Well, they're not really given to you. No one hands you a pamphlet telling you about the choices.

The choices are chosen by you during the course of your incarceration. Most of the time without you even recognizing it until you are fully engulfed by one of the three. And either you can't or don't want to find another way. 

When I received my sentence of 25 to life in 1995 I was angry, confused and disillusioned. But during the course of my incarceration I was blessed to find the path to Giving back. 

Unfortunately for some Brothers they became the fabric of the very system that encases us. Deciding instead to Give in and or Give up. To explain in short to "Give in" is to fall into the negative lifestyle within the "prison system" of drugs and violence. To "Give up" is to lose yourself within the "prison system" Mentally, Spiritually and Physically. No longer holding on to hope or a desire towards Health and Healing.

But Giving back doesn’t just limit itself to behind the wall. To Give back is to take responsibility for all the negative choices you've made in Your life and no longer live a life of just taking. Be productive, proactive, and positive. There were many outlets that helped to Guide me along this transition. There was my discovery of the Quaker faith which allowed for me to set upon myself a Spiritual Foundation. They gave light to a path toward believing in Me. A light toward believing in the power to change inside and out. Receiving my G.E.D. was also a positive reinforcement for what I can achieve. I took vocational programs such as plumbing and woodshop. There were the therapeutic classes I participated in such as Road to Redemption, Alternative to Violence Program, Aggression Replacement Training and many other important outlets that contributed toward my Health and Healing path. I held down jobs as a painter, tailor and metal fabricator. 

Of all the blessings I received toward the Awakening of my true self, probably the most rewarding was the discovery of my gift of telling stories through the art of writing. A true blessing. But I also realized that I could give back behind the wall in the form of spreading positive energy to all those I came in contact with. With fellow prisoners or even the C.O.s. I established respect by being true to who I defined myself to be…A Spiritual Activist. You can be whatever you want in prison but if you didn’t live up to that definition, in its purest form, you will get checked! I was true to who I said I was and was respected on both sides for that. Myself and many other Brothers were able to find our path to the door of Giving back in spite of the system. 

Not because of it. 

This door as with many other doors of positivity are kept in the dark and hidden from us. But many of us find the way. 

I was blessed to be released on November 14, 2019 after 25 years. 

I prepared myself over the years for that possible transition. But no amount of preparation can prepare you for the World you are returning to after 25 years. My first day home I was quickly reminded of the road ahead with regards to technology. From The iPhones to the use of computers when it came to getting my driver's I.D. and social security card. 

Ughhhhhhhh!!!! 

Just thinking of it gives me a headache. It was a bit overwhelming and embarrassing at times. Ah man, the looks I would get from some people with their eyes screaming at me, "C’mon already! Press a button, get your metro card, and move it!" Oh if it were just that simple for me. It's been eventful. As well as heartbreaking. 

I was only home a few months when a lot of the Social unrest began to take form. I wanted so badly to take part in the Marches and Rallies but was advised to stay home and avoid any police contact. I'm on parole and any police contact can result in a violation. So I showed my support to the cause by writing dispatches expressing the truth regarding Social injustices. Remind you this is all taking place during a deadly pandemic. The combination of the two brought about a whole array of emotions. From anger to fear to sadness back to anger. But the release from the stress came from being quarantined around loving family members and neighbors. Writing was also very therapeutic for me. I joined a few zoom meetings and the sharing and releasing was a healthy and Healing process as well. Allowing for me to Give of myself in a virtual setting. That part of all this technology was truly a blessing. 

Well I've been home a year and two months now. And I've had the pleasure of reconnecting with so many Brothers and Sisters from my past. It's been heartwarming as well as heartbreaking. Which leads me to another major part of transitioning that has been the most difficult to come to grips with. How can you get someone from your past that you care about to let go of that negative energy of the past and accept the new path and positive energy you are now on? 

It's been new Awakening and a positive way of life for many of the Brothers and Sisters I've reconnected with in the past year. And they've fully accepted my own Awakening and positive message. But for a handful it's been a struggle. One Brother who I've recently reconnected with continues to see me as his hero. Not because of the journey I've been through and the changes made in my life, but for who I once was. And negative things I did. My negative influence on him when I was 24 and he was 16 has had a lasting effect on him. 

My efforts to get him to see me for who I am now have been futile. 

I speak of Giving back. He speaks of Getting back. When I think back to all the drugs I put in hands to sell I see the destruction I was causing to him, myself and the community. When he thinks back he envisions the good ol' days. 

I try and talk politics with him and the power to change that we all possess. But my friend can’t or refuses to think that deep. His laughter cutting me deep as he tells me, " Fuck politics." 

I spoke with him about the intern program I was part of when I first came home. I explained to him how I spoke with the youth in an Alternative to incarceration program. Giving them different decision making methods in the most pivotal moments of their lives. He changed the subject. 

I spoke to him about the job I held during the pandemic as a census worker. Not able to work outside with a table or in a building to meet and speak with people about the Importance of signing up and being counted. I explained to him I was fortunate enough to work from home and reach to friends and family by phone and getting them all counted. 

That got a yawn from him. 

He could care less even about my new job at an up and coming vitamin distribution company. His body language told me that he still believed working 9 to 5 was for suckers. If I can’t reach him, I know I'm gonna have to sever our ties. I love the Brother. But I love what I see for myself in the near future even more. I won’t Give up on him or any other Brother or Sister caught in the web of the "system." Hopefully I can get him to stop believing in me as he did 25 years ago. And begin to believe in himself in ways he never dreamed he could. To begin to see himself as something more than what the street life conditioned us to see ourselves. And what he unfortunately continues to see himself as. The thug. The hustler. The gangster. I found that I was more. That I can be more. That I can Give more.  And one day soon, he will too/ 

            Peace! Power! Control!