Time and Prison: Are they mutually exclusive?

- By Marvin Wade, Spiritual Activist

A friend of mine who was formerly incarcerated recently expressed in a written piece that, "Prison was the best thing to happen to me." Obviously that's his own personal opinion and feelings. And I truly appreciate and respect his freedom to voice it. He didn't express in the piece the reasons behind these feelings, So, I look forward to asking him his thoughts on the subject in the near future.

But his opinion made me think of my own incarceration. His words in the piece made me think, "Was prison the best thing to happen to me?" And I would have to say Emphatically Not!

To me there's "prison," And then there's "time." Prison is a dark, cold, and unforgiving place. Controlled by powers that want to break you Mentally, Spiritually and Physically. Time on the other hand is your friend. It's Controlled by no one. There for you to do within it as you please. It's the "space" within a "place." Any place. And for 25 years, prison was the place, where time for me held space.

I want to express to you what Time allowed for me to do. And what prison tried to keep, give and take away from me.

Time gave me the opportunity to receive my G.E.D. I was on Rikers Island at this time. The year was 1994. Despite this great opportunity, Prison made it hard for me to get out of my cell each day for class. I would have to Yell and scream each day for officers to let me out. Prison officials would create bogus disciplinary tickets for some prisoners in order to keep them locked in their cells. Causing them to miss classes and obviously fail the course. Prison also created an environment of violence from other prisoners as well as officers that made it hard for some students to have the peace of mind needed to concentrate on their education. It was a struggle at times to think about an upcoming test when you are thinking about another prisoner possibly slashing you in the face over phone time. Or correctional officers jumping you just for the fuck of it. But through it all my determination and patience over time allowed me to achieve my G.E.D in spite of the many negative obstacles before me.

Time allowed me to build a stronger relationship with my Mother. We argued constantly when I was home about my drug dealing and lack of work ethic. I was a hard headed kid. Always in trouble. Constantly worrying her every time I stepped out of the house. Time brought us closer. Giving me a greater appreciation of my Mother and everything she did in trying to give my siblings and me a better life. We cried together on the visit floor when I confessed to her about the crime I was convicted of. We'd reminisce about the past. And give hope to one another for the future.

Prison tried to destroy this new bond. Prison tried to keep us apart by sending me 6, 7 hours away. Making travel to see me more of a harrowing journey than a simple visit. Then once at the prison to visit me my Mother, friends and family were always subjected to delays in getting in as well as disrespect from the officers. Prison also charged my Mother astronomical phone prices just for us to communicate with one another.

Time allowed for me to find ways Spiritually and Holistically to better health and healing. I began to eat healthier foods that were sent to me by friends and family. I exercised regularly. And meditated daily. Time also allowed me to discover my gift for writing.

Prison fed me 4 slices of bread, three times a day with each meal. The morning meal with a small bowl of cereal had the best nutritional value of the three meals we ate each day. The afternoon and evening meal was devoid of any nutritional value to us. The afternoon meals would come with names like, Turkey tetrazzini. Beef cacciatore. Turkey ala king. If it sounds good to you, trust me sounding good was as far as it got to having anything good about it. The evening meals were mostly always rice and potatoes joined with some other kind of slop. The Combination of soy and starches was all we could look forward to. No wonder the high rate of diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease in prison. Prison made it extremely hard to get healthy foods shipped inside. You are allowed a food package each month of only 35 pounds. With an arbitrary system of what foods are allowed inside and what is not. Sometimes you got your vegetables and sometimes you didn't. Or sometimes you'd get called down to receive your package on time. Or sometimes they'd call you down after a week has passed and by this time half your food has gone bad.

Prison only allowed for you to have a certain number of books to read at one time. Believe it was 15. They also didn't allow for you to have certain books. Books like Soledad Brothers By George Jackson were not allowed in by the media review board. When your cell was searched by a correctional officer a lot of times your books and writing material would be taken or destroyed. Prison officials knew the power behind reading material, the pen and the pad and so it was a constant battle to maintain these materials.

Time gave me the opportunity to reflect on my life and how I was living. Time forced me to see how my insecurities were affecting my behavior towards others. I realized I had to build a stronger foundation within myself in order to deal with conflict situations. I learned that the solution to every conflict didn't have to be violence. The people I hung out with in prison were reactionary individuals. Quick to resort to violence for every situation big or small. I understood that if I wanted to change I had to also change who I surrounded myself with. So, I began to make a conscious effort to be around individuals who were thinkers. Who wanted to be the solution, not the problem. Time allowed for me during this growth process to discover silent worship (meditation) through my association with the Quakers. Silent worship allowed for me to slow things down and be more in control of my emotions And in some instances the emotions of others. Time also allowed for me to read literature on conflict resolutions. How to deescalate rather than escalate a situation. Time allowed for all of these things to help break down the facsimile of the man I thought I was supposed to be. And rebuild myself into the Man I was always meant to be.

Prison wanted me to be an animal. Whenever the Scared Straight program walked kids through the facility while we were in our cells, they would manipulate and threaten us into yelling and screaming at these kids as they walked by. Never wanting or asking us to have a calm discussion with these kids. No, they wanted us on the gate like animals in a zoo. Those times when the kids would walk through were the most embarrassing and hurtful moments I experienced in prison. If you didn't yell and scream like an animal at the kids when they walked by, you sat there on your bed staring at the wall in silence anticipating for the last kid to walk by your cell. That's what I did.

Prison kept prisoners in segregated sections in the yard with regards to the tables we sat at. This race here, That race there. This gang here, that gang there. They promoted separation. They helped to systematically create an us against us mentality in prison. They allowed the drugs and the weapons into the facility to help fuel this us against us mindset. They wanted us to kill over the TV. They wanted us to kill over the phones. Prison doesn't promote change. They don't want an individual to make changes in his life that would make him a productive member of society if released. No, they want you to be that animal that they've systematically bred you to be. A beast with no hope of freedom or change. Spending the rest of your life behind bars. Ensuring prison officials a guaranteed paycheck for many years to come.

Time allowed for me to feel remorse for the life I took. To recognize that I destroyed the lives of many with my actions. Time allowed me to realize that I couldn't make up for what I did. But I could definitely make a difference in the lives of those on the same negative path I was on. Time allowed me to prepare myself for freedom. Time gave me the hope that prison tried to take away from me. The hope to reenter society with a totally different mindset and outlook on life. With the hope and possibility to reach out to the youth and help them to be able love themselves, life and others, In the way I now love myself, life and others. Time allowed me to realize that life is about moments. There are 24 hours in a day. 365 days in a year. But it will be specific moments in your life that will shape, mold and solidify your foundation or it will break it depending upon the decision you make in the moment. I made a horrible decision that allowed my moment to break me, and the foundation of my family and the lives of others. We can begin to recognize our moments when they are happening and be secure enough to make the right decisions. Prison doesn't offer you the tools for those moments. Time does. Prison is a place that looks forward to individuals making bad decisions while in the moment. It's how they make their money. And once inside this belly of the beast, they continue to try to manipulate and control your moments. It's like the line from the song hotel California, "You can check in, but you can't check out."  That's exactly how those in power run it and want it run in prison. Like a Hotel California. I'm amongst the blessed few that were able to check out.

In closing, this dispatch on prison and time was written with the youth in mind. I want young people to know that they don't have to go to prison to discover their true self. Unearthing that Supernatural being which is you doesn't have to come with such a cost. I gave away and took away so much to become the Man I am today. It was an unfair exchange. I didn't have to make the hasty choices that lead me on a path to prison. I had time. Once you realize that time is your friend, you'll begin to make decisions in those pivotal moments of your life that reflect your respect for your friend, your life and the life of others. We've been systematically brainwashed as black men to believe that we don't have time. Everyone else has time but us, we've been led to believe. And so we live that way. Our conflict resolutions reflect this thought. The way we eat reflects this thought. The way we shop reflects this thought. The amount of respect we have for one another reflects this thought. But I'm here to tell you that you do have time. Time exists in the neighborhood. At home with family. With your friends in the park or on the web. At your job. At your school. It exists for us all. We just have to believe in it and in ourselves. Take advantage of your time. I fought through so much while in prison for 25 years, to achieve the things that would have taken less blood, sweat and tears to achieve had I taken that same TIME while I was home! Prison isn't here to save you. It wasn't PRISON that saved me! I am the Man I am in spite of PRISON! It was time that saved me. I finally took advantage of my time. And you must now do the same my Brothers. I am amongst the blessed few that made it out the belly of the beast. There are so many good Brothers that are less fortunate. So, please Don't play with your time My young Brothers.

Peace! Power! Control!

Marvin Wade is a Spiritual Activist and family Man, born and raised In Brooklyn, NY. Marvin joined the Re/Creation Bed-Stuy writing workshop in 2019, after participating in a writing class being held in Queensboro correctional facility by Professor Joni Schwartz and joining the group upon his release after 25 years. While incarcerated, Marvin wrote multiple books’ worth of stories, novels, and personal essays on every bit of paper he could find, combining his gift as a storyteller with the art of writing. With the help of the Re/Creation team Marvin has since increased his knowledge of the computer which has been essential in allowing him to assist in the editing of his dispatches for the Re/Creation website. His poem “Where I’m From” was recently featured in Voices of Fortune 2020 literary magazine.