Insanity, by Sylvester Lawrence Jackson II

I looked up the definition of being insane and being crazy. From what I can summarize, it is better to be crazy than insane.

I've been told the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results.

So here's what's crazy: my life has always been a little crazy from my youth growing up in West Hempstead, hanging out with my crazy friends, drinking and running away from the cops to joining the Marine Corps and almost getting killed several times. 

The insanity extended to my discharge from the Marine Corps and having PTSD, to placing a gun in my mouth three times and pulling the trigger, and going to a mental health rehab facility in upstate New York. And let’s not forget drug and alcohol abuse and an extensive prison sentence upstate New York.

I know in my heart and in my mind that the cancer is killing me.

But what I really want to tell you is that the craziness and the insanity were all rolled up into one. But now having 38 years of sobriety and sharing my story through numerous AA meetings, I've heard on more than one occasion how inspiring my story is. You see, I've made it through Hep C, cirrhosis of the liver, two heart attacks, and stage 4 cancer.

Now in the year 2023, I'm getting ready to start another round of chemotherapy and radiation and all that good stuff.

But a multitude of people have asked me, how do I do it, what keeps you going? 

Quite honestly I don't know. I know that going to meetings helps me, and having family and friends giving their support and love helps 100%. But I also know that sometimes the pain is so unbearable I want to give up. But I have to keep it honest, not every day is a good day. But giving up? It's not the answer. I've handed over all of my pain and suffering to my one true God. I know in my heart and in my mind that the cancer is killing me. I don't know how long I have, but I don't sit here and think about it every day. I've given it to God. I have faith. I take each day for what it is, one more beautiful day. I take nothing for granted and I try to be kind to everyone I come in contact with.

I've handed over all of my pain and suffering to my one true God.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a saint. I don't like everyone I make contact with, but I try to be kind to them anyway. I try and get people to laugh or bring a smile to their faces.

I look at it this way: each day that I open my eyes and take a breath of life is a gift. And at my age, I'm willing to take whatever gift God is ready to give me. We are all blessed.

Have a blessed day.

Sylvester “Sonny” Lawrence Jackson II is a writer and retired Marine. As many of you know, Sonny is one of the most important members of our writing workshop for people returning from incarceration.