Sob Story, by Marvin Wade
I wanna cry, but i can’t find that space to be alone. I need to hide Because my strength must always be seen. Can’t just let it go. Instead restrain myself. Remain myself for all to see. Never weak. But at times I feel I’ve reached my peak. Like on a train to nowhere. Wanting to get off at the next stop. But it’s not mine. I see others leave before it’s there. Why can’t I? At times I envy thee. When in that state, I wanna pull the brakes. Can’t continue watching the closing doors as I struggle to keep them open. Don’t really want to let anyone in. Don’t really want to let anyone on. It’s my train and I’m the conductor. So why am I in the last Cart? Got my spirits down. Gotta get up from my seat for many that never speak the words, thank you. Or have a nice day. Fuck you! Is what I wanna say. But I can’t. Cause I love you. All of you. But now I need to leave. A little wobbly. Not thinking straight. So excuse me. I’m sorry. Oh now I see. It’s you that’s in my way. Stopping me at my own door. I guess I gotta stay. You need me. I’m the holder. And I must continue to carry all this weight despite the freight. But If you’re not gonna allow me to leave, can you at least allow me the room to release.
Cause I wanna cry but I know I’d get caught. You know, like, just when its flowing and you can barely talk. Then asked, What’s wrong? Is it the weather? Your allergies? I’d say, yes it’s the pollen in the air. Giving life a reprieve. Cause I despair having to explain what I’m going through.
It’s not like I’m dying. Well, on the inside. Does that count for something? To somebody? To anybody? Damn, now I’m whining. They call it that when you ask a stupid question while crying.
So we hide our tears for fear, so true. A sad song we all sung but I couldn’t in the eyes of others. Not cool.
That’s why I wanna cry Like a 2 year old waking you from your sleep. Wanting to be held. Without the pacifier. Cause I’m a grown ass man. No need to pacify. You understand. I’m speaking to the desire to be free. To shed. To share. A must need in order to just be. Without a judge and jury. I wanna cry like a baby. But don’t baby me. Please. Just allow…no…just let me be…A Human being.
Marvin Wade is a Spiritual Activist and family Man, born and raised In Brooklyn, NY. Marvin joined the Re/Creation Bed-Stuy writing workshop in 2019, after participating in a writing class being held in Queensboro correctional facility by Professor Joni Schwartz and joining the group upon his release after 25 years. While incarcerated, Marvin wrote multiple books’ worth of stories, novels, and personal essays on every bit of paper he could find, combining his gift as a storyteller with the art of writing. As part of the re/creation workshop Marvin has had numerous dispatches that he's written appear on the website. From titles such as, "The conditioned state of America " to "Time and Prison, are they mutually exclusive?" His poem “Where I’m From” is featured in Voices of Fortune 2020 literary magazine. Marvin also took part in the "We choose to bloom" film as part of a joint venture between Fortune Society and MOMA. Look for many great things to come literary and spiritually from Mr. Marvin Wade.
